We are the people our parents warned us about!  One of the virtues... or faults of having a well known email address is you get stuff that can sometimes be very funny... or only semi-funny or even felonious but it's all in the eye of the beholder I guess. SO.. don't blame me if some of the following makes you spew. I didn't do it! Blame it on Peter Lewis of "Carruba" as he is the main culprit. Cheryl Hawkins has added a few and the rest is up to you. If you know one that is really funny, send it to me and I'll get it in here. If you know one that is truly awful... send that one first!  A man is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t quite place where he might know her from, so he says “Sorry, do you know me?” She replies “I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!” In an instant it all comes flooding back to him. His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful…! “Christ!” he says, “Are you that stripper from my stag night who I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your girlfriend whipped me with wet celery?” “No” she replies, “I’m your daughter’s English teacher.”     A sexy woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who approaches her immediately. She seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he does so, she gently caresses his full beard. “Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” he replies. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the barman. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across his lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “What should I tell him?” the barman manages to say. “Tell him,” she whispers, “that there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”          Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operateon. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable."    Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar ... The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant. Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder..... Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession Dave: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home? Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Dave: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden. Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Dave: - Yep! Five times a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Dave: - Do what? Not me mate! Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Dave: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate. Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Stuart: - What's that then? Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Stuart: - Nope Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.        ACTUAL WRITINGS from hospital charts: 1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. Note: patient recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 12. She is numb from her toes down. 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 14. The skin was moist and dry. 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.     Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming. One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating.....!!! in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So ... do you think we should ... well ... you know ... screw her?" "Out of WHAT ?!?" asked the other.        The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them     Toilet Cleaning Instructions: >>> > 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. >>> > 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. >>> > 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. >>> > 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. >>> > 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse. >>> > 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. >>> > 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. >>> > 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. >>> > 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. >> > >        A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "HeyKoala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"     During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug ... Do you want a room with or without a view?"        A bear, a lion and a chicken meet. Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says:"If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me" Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself"     I was asked to do a marathon, I said, “Piss off”. They said “Arr, COME ON! It’s for spastics and blind kids.”   I thought, “Fuck it, I could win this!”         An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says. The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Austraalia we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".        The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient. "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."    A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".            One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing Home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the Store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.